Welcome to this week’s Sex and the Woods: Lifestyle Advice for the Modern Adventurer. Remember, we’re here to give fresh perspective on age old questions and solutions to new quandaries which means we will take questions on sex and relationships in addition to everything from eco-etiquette to adventure tips. Just email advice@wendmag.com. We answer every Thursday!
Dear SATW-
I started dating this guy. He’s great – loves the outdoors, sweet to me, super cute, and great in the sleeping bag. Problem is, he drives a Hummer. WTF? What do I do?
-Prius Princess
Dear Prius Princess-
Well, this is certainly a dilemma that raises several questions. Does he just have a Hummer because his parents decided to give him the hook-up and he actually would prefer to be in a Prius? Does he not realize what a waste of EVERYTHING his car is? Or is this vehicle representative of his deep-seated, environmentally destructive personal values? For your sake, we hope it’s the former rather than the latter, but it’s hard to imagine that a man that drives an unusable monstrosity that’s only good for transporting an over-inflated sense of self-worth has good intentions. Seriously, a Hummer?
Without some additional info, let’s just do the typical SATW thing and assume the worst: This guy is a gas-guzzling, earth-hating, mass consumption worshipper. What the hell are you doing? You can’t find a guy with respectable tastes who actually gives a damn about waste and over-use? This guy is clearly over compensating, but for what? This guy’s massive insecurities are going to drag you down into his pit of despair and neediness that only a bottle of whiskey and a weeklong trip in the backcountry can fix.
At the very least, if you continue to date this guy, your friends will mock you, as they damn well should. Dating a character of this type is a slippery slope that will only get worse: he might have other excellent qualities, but if you start making exceptions here and there, your dating standards will quickly fall by the wayside. What’s next? A coal baron? An oil exec? A whaler? Next thing you know, you’ll be banging Dick Cheney.
If you actually love the outdoors and care about protecting it, then dating this guy is just as hypocritical as a vegan dating a butcher. Lucky for you, if his intentions are good, you can use your sexy eco ways to encourage him to switch out the monstrosity for something with less of an impact; a bike perhaps??? Let’s hope he just needs a little push in the right direction to be SATW-approved mate.
There is however a quick fix for this problem: establish a clear ultimatum. From now on, Hummer drivers should be off your list of eligible bachelors, and if he wants to keep enjoying your company, he’s going to have to drop the car. You hold all the cards in this situation, so use them to your, and the environment’s, advantage.
Good luck. We hope he’s worth it.
-Anna + Dave
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tell him “hummers are for dicks” and see if he ditches the car and takes his pants off.
I had the best sex ever in the woods. In my Hummer and on the roof of the Hummer!
The sky was filled with stars and I was in Heaven. The next day we drove out in the woods again during the day. I layed her on the back seat with the door open so that I could stand there with her body in front.
HUMMERS ARE GREAT FOR SEX!!!
Jon Hlutke still says suckim hard long time!
Ok , I get it. People have a perception that they want to facilitate. Have you actually done the research? The nickel used in Prius (and most other hybrids) batteries are much more destructive to the environment then the big gas guzzler. Yes you would all like to believe that the hummer single handedly causes terrorism because of the oil it consumes….
Perhaps you should focus on the huge transport ships or the cross country 18 wheelers…
If you hate hummers, then you hate suburbans, Tahoes, Yukons, and just about every other large SUV because guess what…They all have the same engine and all guzzle the same amount of gas.
And really….you hate people that drive hummers..so ..you are judging someone based on the type of car they drive? Seems pretty shallow to me. Maybe get to know the person first. I love the outdoors. I take my hummer to beautiful places a prius would never get to.
I love the land and make every effort to leave no trace.
You simply aren’t being fair. Dont be a hater..Where is the love?
I suppose ignorance begets ignorance.
If you “love the outdoors” like you claim to, why do you want to destroy it with your small-penis-compensator?
BTW – that ‘research’ comparing a prius to a hummer is complete BS.