Welcome to this week’s Sex and the Woods: Lifestyle Advice for the Modern Adventurer. Remember, we’re here to give fresh perspective on age old questions and solutions to new quandaries which means we will take questions on sex and relationships in addition to everything from eco-etiquette to adventure tips. Just email advice@wendmag.com. We answer every Thursday!
Today we deal with the touchy issue of vegetarianism.
Dear SATW,
Here’s my question:
I started dating a super-hot, outdoorsy girl who rock climbs and snowboards all the time, and everything was going great until a backpacking trip last week.We hiked into a secluded lake in Western Washington, and set up our camp. We have an awesome night drinking a bunch of wine and making out in front of the campfire. And without sounding crass, this was the first time we hooked up. The next morning I unpacked my fishing gear and found a good spot to cast, while she was still sleeping. The worms I packed in were the trick, the trout went nuts for them. I quickly caught four 12-inchers and whipped up a trout hash for breakfast. When she came out of the tent and saw the meal, she totally freaked out and started screaming about killing animals and that she was a vegetarian. After a few minutes she finally calmed down, and I said? “I thought vegis ate fish?” Then she started screaming again. What am I going to do She called me murderer, and that I disgust her. We hiked back in silence.
-Outdoor Meat Eater
Dear OEM
Your question raises some interesting issues, but the one we’re most concerned about, for your own sake, is the fact that you failed to realized that she was a vegetarian in the first place. How long had you been hanging out with her before said backpacking trip? Even after only a couple of dates you should have picked up on the tips that she didn’t eat meat, leading us to conclude that the first thing you need to work on is not your relationship with this woman, but your listening skills. Seriously man, no woman, no matter how cool or outdoorsy, is going to stick around with an egotistical guy that can’t shut his mouth for long enough to hear about her ideas and passions. Trust us, this is definitely not the way to score future SATW-type dates; stick with your current attitude and you are destined for spending many a night alone and cold in your tent.
That being said, we’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are a well-rounded, caring individual (although we sort of doubt it). If so, we can only guess that your understanding of vegetarians is totally off – which still makes you an uneducated dumbass, certainly not an attribute of a SATW worthy individual. Hint: vegetarians don’t even eat fish. What you’re thinking of is a Californitarian, and those types come with their own set of weird issues.
But to get to the actual problem at hand: she’s a vegi and you’re not. She called you a murderer, that’s pretty extreme, so you might want to check yourself and make sure you’re not dating a PETA enthusiast. But many vegi/non-vegi couples go on to live perfectly happy, outdoor loving filled lives. Explain to her that you believe in the value of sustainable/organic/free-range/locally grown meats and are not a mass-produced, factory-farmed, chicken nugget eating kind of guy. Because if you are, you’ll certainly never get any eco-hawties. Just because you eat meat doesn’t make you a bad person, but make sure it’s coming from the most sustainable sources possible. That, along with a caring personality that LISTENS [see above], is the only way to ensure your abilities to seduce vegis and non-vegis of all kinds.
But seriously man — and trust us, because we’re professionals — start working on those listening skills. No amount of outdoor skills/sexiness and ability to charm women in the woods is going to replace an honest man that knows how to shut his mouth.
Best of luck,
Anna + Dave
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